When I think of words that are misused or have lost their meaning, several come to mind. The word "Love" is often used to mean infatuation, sexual desire or casual friendship just as often as deep, passionate commitment. The term "Christian" can refer to a nominal church-goer or someone who lives out their faith intentionally with great sincerity.
Yesterday I got to thinking about another phrase that gets misused in a different way. It's misuse is more akin to using God's name in vain. In other words, we say it without any real meaning behind it. It has become merely a greeting that means the same as "Hello."
That is, "How are you?"
When someone welcomes you with, "What's up?" you don't explain what's above your head, it's merely a rhetorical question – a greeting. While being scolded by your parents, they probably asked you, "Do you think I'm stupid or something?" But even as a child you understood what "rhetorical" meant – this is a question I am NOT supposed to answer.
But I have found that this question, "How are you?" creates more problems than most standard greetings. Our world could be falling apart and we immediately answer back, "Good, and you?" This typical response is usually acceptable because the person asking never really expected or wanted to hear how their friend was actually doing. The friend is rarely offended by the shallowness of the question because, most likely, he never intended to answer with any real degree of honesty anyway.
I see this question thrown around most often by church people. Whether welcomed by friends or a well-oiled visitor team outfitted with matching polo shirts and name badges, "How are you?" is one of the most popular greetings we use. Most of the time this is a harmless question that is widely and mutually accepted. However, in the church, I wonder if it should be used so casually.
The church is a place where hurting people go. At least, it should be. Some have called it a hospital for the sick, not a country club for the well-to-do. But if our churches are full of hurting people, shouldn't we address the lack of thinking behind what we say? We are virtually surrounded by people who are struggling against incredible odds. Everywhere we look, there are those who are in the midst of pain, heartache and abuse of the most nightmarish kind. So what are they to think when we stroll up with our gleaming Christian smile and casually ask, "How are you?" Do we really expect them to respond with the ugly, unvarnished truth? Is it really possible to be transparent, "Well, actually, I'm dying on the inside. But thanks for asking! How are you?"
Rarely will someone be this frank about their feelings. So the, "How are you?" question ends up forcing this person to smile, lie and say everything's okay. Of course, the guilt of wearing this mask only compounds the problem, pushing the hurting person deeper into their pain.
Proverbs 18:21 tells us that "Life and death are in the power of the tongue." James says "If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless" (1:26). Later on in chapter 3 he goes on to warn about the strong influence of our words by comparing them to a small but deadly fire that has the destructive power to burn down an entire forest. If James rewrote the old nursery rhyme, perhaps the new version would go, "Sticks and stones may break your bones but words can straight up kill you." This little rhyme is such crap! It is a lie that we tell our kids to trust in even though we don't believe it ourselves. Bumps and bruises heal very quickly, even major injuries with a little patience. But hurtful words, even when they are spoken unaware, can cause irrevocable damage that only festers as time goes by.
So what am suggesting? Is it that we should never ask people how they are doing? Am I saying that every casual encounter should turn into a counseling session? Not at all. But I do think there are a couple of things to keep in mind:
1). Be Mindful - Understand that people everywhere are hurting, especially those who act like they've got it all together. Many have become pros at covering up their true feelings after encountering wave after wave of well-meaning Christians who don't think about the words they use. That's why it's second nature for hurting people to smile, shake hands and respond, "I'm great, how are you?" It's clearly a defense mechanism but it's easier, isn't it? It's easier than ruining the upbeat vibe of the room or the smile of the nice person who's gone out of their way to say hi. Nobody likes to be a Debbie Downer. So when you greet people, keep in mind that you may be encountering a person who is in the depths of sorrow, pain, struggle, depression, temptation, heartache or the like. Be perceptive so that, if need be, you can immediately shift gears from the casual to the engaged. Let this new sharpened awareness mold your words and actions in conformity to how Christ would have responded.
2). Be Deliberate - Have you ever been milliseconds away from finishing the customary handshake or hug when your friend squeezes a little tighter, pulls you in a little closer and repeats the question? This time, slower, with feeling and sincerity in their voice, looking in to you rather that at you. "No really, how are you doing?" Truly, WHAT we say is not nearly as important as HOW we say it. Choose your words carefully. Be deliberate, intentional, purposeful. Mean what you say. Talk to people, not at them. When the time is right and the setting is appropriate, repeat the question... that is, if you are willing to wait and listen to the truth.
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